Welp, before I make this blog (unintentionally) hecka depressing, I wanted to share some fun images I took this week.
In this image I was playing around with under exposing an image on purpose. I’m not sure why, but I find this photo intriguing.
I got a lovely Lensbaby Composer Pro w/Sweet 35 Optic from a fellow photographer. I had so much fun with it this week. Although I still adore my 50mm 1.4g (and have since learned to adore my 50mm 1.8g surprisingly due to this article), my Lensbaby affords some creativeness and is so much fun!
I also played around with bokeh again one more time today (sorry if its boring! But its just so much fun!)
On to outing myself from the Baby Closet. My dearest husband and I have been trying to have kids for the past 2 years and no babies thus far. I’m really struggling with this right now… Coming to grips with the reality that something is wrong is so complex that it feels exhausting even trying contemplate how to convey my feelings. I have absolutely no desire to go into detail about my experience/plans for the future on this subject. I know a few amazing women who have conquered/conquering this journey and I don’t want to invalidate their infinitely more difficult experiences by whining about my coming to terms with my own problems. Additionally, at this point I really can’t face and embrace the Infertility image. The first year was just trying, this last year has been denial. I’m just now exiting the denial stage and entering the acceptance/fix it realm and I’m just still not ready. There’s too much information out there to confuse the most opinionated mind — everyone’s experiences are all very different and I found myself developing false hopes by all the encouragement. Like I said, its all very complex. So I’m going to open up about my feelings because… I don’t know why.
As you all know, I belong to Clickinmoms.com forum. I know, right? (You know where I’m going with this.) Someone without kids, who wants kids, belongs to a forum that teaches you a ton about photography via brilliant women… photographing… their kids.
At first, wasn’t a big deal. I knew something was wrong, but it was ok (insert denial). I was going to have my own kid and soon according to the odds (insert my imagined odds).
Within the past 4 months, this coming to Jesus moment about my baby-makin’ problems have hit – and hit hard. Now its so hard going onto the forum I so adore. Its so hard submitting assignments in incredible workshops, because mine are all blindingly obviously childless. I photograph my own hands, my own feet, but no children.
Its cool, I tell myself. Kids move too much anyway. But oh my gosh, it sucks.
My mum grew up believing she would not have her own children naturally due to some womanly problems which were brought to her attention by her OBGYN during her teens. But get pregnant she did — within the first year of marriage my brother was born. My parents come from LARGE families, and what with my mum’s experience, I was sure that fertility would never be an issue for me. I had never been the proverbial “Baby Hungry” as I’ve heard so many fellow women tout, but I was sure it would all come when the “time was right” (oh the cliche, *gag*).
But it didn’t. It hasn’t… and it hurts.
Everyones pregnant. Seriously, everyone is. Every other week I check facebook and boom, someone’s preggers. Its to the point where I wish fb would add a “hide” option for us infertile folk. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m genuinely happy for everyone that isn’t in the “Crappy Infertility Club” as a friend coined it. I’m really happy they aren’t. But it just hurts. It hurts to bad.
Here’s where it gets complicated for me. I feel like everyone who had children without meds/painful tests, etc, does not understand. Through my dearest friend, I’ve heard first hand the ignorant comments people throw at you – unknowingly applying to the open wound a salt that they thought was a poultice. I feel like I can’t discuss my concerns with people who haven’t dealt this situation because they will judge. They will judge ignorantly and it will hurt. So for now, all I feel comfortable saying is, It really hurts.
Today I felt like there was a black hole where my baby-maker should be. I feel distraught. I feel so angry. When I’m in the supermarket and I hear yet again a mother demeaning her child, it really takes all that I have from going up to her and slapping her across the face as hard as I can (which might be laughable to those who really know me and probably can’t even imagine my even thinking it) and shaking her while I plead for her to just hold and love the child. *Sigh* It hurts.
A kind friend helped me recently by pointing out all I’m able to accomplish with my archery, photography, job, etc by being childless at this point and to enjoy each phase of life. That helped. So I grab my camera and start looking at life thru the lens again, trying to find another story to tell, and it helps.
And thats all I have to say about that. – Forest Gump